Friday, March 14, 2008

For Guy Virgins: Basic Things No One Told Me About Sex

I lost my virginity later than the average guy. Before I got laid for the first time I had read a fair amount about sex. I took Sex Education classes in school. I read articles on positions and techniques in Maxim and Cosmo. I read sites like I read the 'savage love' column every week. I also looked at tons of porn on the internet and through my computer's handy DVDROM. All in all, I thought even though I had never done it myself, I knew most of what there was to know about sex.

Then I started having it and I kept discovering all these basic things that had somehow passed me by. In all the stuff I read and watched these things never came up. I never heard anyone talking about them either. I guess they assumed that the audience was already having sex and that knowing these things was a given. And it seems that porn glosses some things over or does not reflect what actual sex is like. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. So here's my list of basic sexual stuff that I only found out about when I came across it myself.

Hopefully reading this will make life easier for the virgins out there in some way, you know, by lessening that fear of the unknown or whatever. I think the most common theme below is that sex is not as glamorous as it's sometimes made out to be. However, 'not glamorous' isn't the same as 'not enjoyable'. Sex is awesome. If anything, all the little quirks I'll mention below make it more fun.

From reading and watching porn I thought positions like missionary, doggy style, woman-on-top, etc. were simple, cut-and-dry things. I soon found out that each one has tons of subtle variations based on things like how you position your legs, the position of her legs, how deep inside her you are in a resting position, the angle you're thrusting in, the position of your upper body, how high or low your hips are on her body, how your bodies fit together, and so on and so on.

  • With some variations her vagina will seem like a straight tunnel that you can easily go in-and-out, in-and-out of. With other variations you're mostly inside her, can only thrust a little, and you're more grinding pelvises together.
For example, if you're in the missionary position:

  • If you put your legs together and straight back, you'll get a different feeling then if you had them spread out to your sides and had your knees further up on the bed.
  • If she spreads her legs you'll be able to thrust in one way. If she lifts them up and wraps them behind your back, you'll be able to thrust deeper.
  • If you rest on your elbows you'll enter her at one angle and be able to thrust in a certain way. If you straighten your arms and rest on your hands you'll thrust at a different angle.
  • If the top of your hip bone roughly matches up with hers you'll get a certain angle and depth. If you try to 'ride higher' you'll get a different angle and depth.
  • If your upper body is parallel to hers things'll go one way. If you raise your torso up to around 45 degrees things'll be slightly different.
  • What works one way with a petite girl may not feel the same with a girl who's closer to your height. The idea is you have to play around with these variations in position to find a way that feels good for both of you (or just you if you're selfish).
Vaginal Lubrication
You probably know that the vagina secretes a natural lubricant and that women get 'wet'. I knew that basic fact too, but I learned some more things about the process firsthand.

  • It runs out at some point and she'll get dry, and eventually uncomfortable, during sex. Sometimes you have to pull out and apply some lube. At other times you can keep going for a bit and she'll get wet again.
  • If the girl gets too wet during sex it can reduce the friction to the point where you don't really feel anything. If she's too dry it doesn't feel that great for you either.
  • If enough of it accumulates it has a whitish, mayonnaise look to it. Sometimes you'll finish having sex and when you pull out and look down you'll see a big drop of it running down between her legs.
  • If you're going at in the missionary position, it may run out on to the bed and leave a wet spot on the sheets that's a bit white when it dries.

If you watch porn you may wonder why the guy's erection is sometimes slow to grow. You're thinking that if you were in his shoes you'd be as hard as a rock in a second.

  • Nope, the same thing will happen to you. Once the intial thrill of hooking up with this girl/girls in general wears off, your erection will often start to get soft when your penis isn't being directly stimulated.
  • Being drunk, being distracted, and bad technique on the girl's part can contribute to your not getting it up quickly.
  • After putting on a condom you may need to jerk yourself off for a second to get it a bit harder before you stick it in her.
  • If it's not hard enough you'll have a hard time putting it in. It'll tend to bend or slide out of the way instead of penetrating. However, if it's slightly soft and you manage to get in it, you can often get it harder quickly once you start thrusting.
  • If the sex isn't great and/or you're distracted and/or something messed up happens you may start to go soft once you're inside her.

Sticking It In
You've probably heard jokes about this before. Yep, it can be hard to find the hole. Even if you know where you need to go visually, the vaginal entrance can be smaller and tighter than you think so you may not feel exactly where you need to insert the tip of your penis.

  • With missionary it's fairly obvious where you need to put it, but if you're trying to guide it in blind then it can be awkward.
  • With doggy style the hole is further up then you'd think.
  • When the girl is on top the angle of her vaginal tunnel can give you problems and you can't really see what you're doing. It's best if she guides it in herself.
  • Like I said above, if you're a bit soft then you can have trouble putting it in.
    If you fail to get it in properly your dick will slide somewhere else and may feel like it's in for a second or two.
  • All this is more difficult if you have a condom on, as it's harder to feel what you're doing.

You may also watch porn and wonder why the guy sometimes has to jerk off for a few minutes before delivering the money shot. You're thinking if you were in that position you'd pop off no problem.

  • Again, the same thing may happen to you. Sometimes you'll be having sex/getting a blowjob/jerking off and you won't be able to cum. If the stimulation isn't effective it can happen. If you put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm on demand it can happen.
  • The more common stereotype is that men finish too quickly and that they have to think about stuff like baseball in order to last any real length of time. But not being able to cum happens too. Not all guys are losers who are done in thirty seconds. Finishing too soon definitely happens, but not every single time.
  • In many cases you're not just going to cum instantly as soon as you start pounding away, you have to find the speed, angle, depth, etc. that feels good for you. It's not automatic, just like you can't just masturbate in any random way. You have to do what's effective for you.
  • On a related note, women don't always want to have marathon sex sessions. Sometimes they'll get tired of the guy stabbing away endlessly, especially if it's not doing anything for them. Sometimes they'll start to get dry and sore. Sometimes they'll have an orgasm or two and think that's enough. Sometimes they'll just be happy with a good twenty minutes of fun sex and not have any need to go for longer.

Minor Injuries

  • It can be irritating to your skin when your sweaty pubic hair rubs against hers.
    Someone's hair my get accidentally pulled or caught.
  • Someone may clumsily fall over as you're changing positions (e.g., when she's getting off you from being on top, when you try to transition from missionary with you kneeling and her laying down to missionary with both of you laying down).
  • You may hit your head against the headboard, har har har.
  • When you're going at it missionary style you can end up hitting the bottom of your bladder on her pelvic bone. That gets old after ten minutes...
  • Your knees and elbows can get sore after a while from rubbing on the bed/floor/etc.
  • During doggy style if you slip out and then accidently thrust back into her pelvis. This can hurt the tip of your dick.
  • If she's riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.
  • You may get scratches, bruises, pulled hair (purposely this time), and bite marks. That's cool.
  • You may fall off the bed or hit your elbow against the wall or something else like that. You just gotta laugh when this shit happen.

First let me say that you should always wear these things despite what I say below. You know what can happen if you don't. You may have heard guys complain about condoms, saying they kill the mood or whatever. It's true, they are kind of annoying.

  • They kill spontaneity. You can't smoothly progress from foreplay to sex. You have to stop the action to go grab a condom, open it, and then put it on.
  • They smell bad.
  • They kill sensation, sometimes to the point where you can barely feel your own dick inside the girl. On the plus side, they can allow you to last longer.
  • Sometimes when you're inside the girl they'll bunch up in weird ways and feel strange.
  • They interrupt the flow of things after sex is over. You have to pull out, take the condom off, and get rid of it.

You probably know this already, but overall sex is messier than what you see on t.v. or in porn.

  • You're going to get hot and sweaty of course.
  • The woman's lubrication is going to dribble all over the place and possibly stain the sheets. Someone is going to get semen on them at some point. Condom wrappers are going to litter the ground. You may kiss passionately and slobber all over each other.
  • Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.
  • Sometimes when you pull out and she changes positions she'll fart out her vagina (queefing).
  • If you finger her your fingers may be covered with a lot of her clear lubricant when you pull them out.
  • You may have to wipe them off on your leg or something. Classy.
  • If you have sex when she's on her period, well use your imagination.
  • If you have anal sex you may get some poo on your dick.
  • If you have a good session, when you're done you're going to be sweaty, red faced, tired, and a bit out of it. Your hair will be messed up, gross stray hairs will be stuck to your skin, the girl will have a bit of white lubricant running out of her cootch. You'll have a bit of cum dribbling out of your dick. There will be at least one condom wrapper on the floor, the sheets and pillows will be all over the place, and the bed will have a wet spot on it. If you cuddle afterwards you'll start to stick together and it'll feel gross when you pull apart. It's great.

General differences from Masturbation and Porn
If I had to give a simplified summary I'd say masturbating is all about the visuals while actual sex is more about physical feelings. Of course masturbation is about the physical feelings too, but if you're anything like me, the visuals drive the experience and provide most of the excitement. When you're using your imagination you keep flipping between different scenarios until you hit on one that does it for you. When you watch porn you probably skip around between different DVD scenes or online clips until you hit on one that turns you on the most.

With sex some positions give you something to look at, but you're hardly sitting in a chair watching a scene that has been shot from a distance and angle that gives you a good view. If you're doing a girl in the missionary position you're too close to her to see anything. Your eyes are probably closed, or if they're open they may not be focused on anything. You're probably kissing her or you may have your head nuzzled in her neck. Cut off from the visuals you instead concentrate on the tactile sensations; your dick going in and out of her vagina, your bodies pressed together, her hands scratching your back, her breath on your cheek, how hot you are, the sweat forming on the small of your back, your hands grabbing her boobs, kissing, and various little aches, tired spots, and discomforts. And then there are the sounds and smells; body parts slapping together, her breathing and moaning. The smell of latex, sweat, someone's breath, or her vag.

Of course, sometimes when you're going at it you'll be picturing things in your head to help yourself get off. Like maybe your girlfriend is going down on you and that feels pretty nice, but not quite perfect, so you imagine a porn scene or hot girl you saw the other day to get yourself over the edge.
Also, when you watch porn you can mistakingly associate the visual act you're witnessing with the sensations you're giving yourself. For example, say you have a thing for titty fucking scenes in porn. And let's say as you're watching, you're masturbating in a fast, intense manner. You know your body so of course it's going to feel good. But actual titty fucking probably doesn't feel like your fast, intense, just-right wanking. The true physical sensations may or may not be your cup of tea. You may find them too slow or soft for your tastes and be disappointed in the real thing. Here's another example: Maybe when you watch porn you really like the reverse cowgirl position (girl on top facing away from the guy). As a third party observer this position gives you something to look at. But when you're actually the guy all you see is the girl's back and, again, the sensations of her riding you aren't the same as the just-right wanking feelings you gave yourself when you were watching two other people doing it.

Some more observations about how Real Sex differs from Porn and the Movies

  • Obviously in real life it's a lot more sweaty, clumsy, grunty, and primal than dramatic Hollywood love scenes make it out to be.
  • In porn the positions are all about making the sex visable to the camera and to give you a good look at the woman's body. In real life concerns such as being close to each other often take precedence.
  • Personally I've never had sex under the sheets. They just get in the way.
  • Personally I think having sex with all your clothes on kind of sucks (it's a bit awkward and skin on skin contact feels so much better), but you see it all the time in movies and t.v. shows (e.g., The Sopranos). Of course they've got other, more practical, reasons for portraying it like this.
  • What amuses me in movies now is what you could call the 'instant penetration.' You see it all the time if you look for it. A man and woman will be in their underwear, or even fully clothed, in some sexually charged situation. Maybe the woman is sitting on the man's lap (both in their underwear remember), or the man is standing behind the woman. The camera is focused on their faces. Then the guy will make a little movement, the woman will gasp, and then they'll close their eyes and start moaning, the implication being that the man achieved vaginal penetration off-camera. Yeah, not that quick and easy in real life. You've got to move your clothes out of the way, line things up, the guy has to be hard enough, the woman needs to be pretty wet, and often the man has to guide his penis in with his hand. Otherwise it's a much more awkward procedure.

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