Of, Chicks & Hens and Cocks & Balls

How to have Phone Sex !

2009-10-27T17:45:00.003+05:30

There’s a reason the phrase “What are you wearing?” has become almost a phone sex cliché: It works! It’s sexy for your partner to hear you talk about what you’re doing to yourself, especially if he thinks he inspired it. So tell him exactly what you’re wearing, precisely how it feels to slip off each piece of clothing and every little detail about what else your fingers are doing. Now, it’s not necessary to be one hundred percent accurate about your clothing. Even if you’re wearing sweats, feel free to tell your sweetie that it’s his favorite red lace thong and matching bra. You also don’t have to actually do everything you say you’re doing, but it’s a lot more fun that way. If you’re not ready to be graphic yet, relax. Detail trumps explicit language every time. After all, sex isn’t just about the parts down there. The key is to be as descriptive as you can. “I’m brushing my lips across the back of your neck…you can feel my warm breath right between your shoulder blades, as I start lightly kissing down your spine…” Think specifics. You know your lover’s body, so use that knowledge to make him feel like you’re there with him. No generic dirty phrase will ever compare with, “Imagine that I’m tracing that sexy little mole on your left hip with my fingernail.”

Keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to refer to body parts. Everyone has particular words or phrases that turn them on and others that make their skin crawl. The easiest way to find out what your partner likes is to listen to him. Does he call it his cock, his shaft, his weenie, his dick? It’s a good bet that whatever he calls it is what he wants to hear. Give him the same cues about your body parts. If he refers to your “boobies” and it jolts you out of the mood, counter with, “Oh, yes, I love it when you stroke my breasts /squeeze my nipples/ rub my tits like that.” He’ll eventually get the hint. (If he doesn’t, you may have to tell him directly, “Honey, I love you, but calling them ‘hooters’ just doesn’t get me hot.”) Before you start, think of a few fallback phrases to use in case you simply can’t think of anything to say. “Oh, that feels so good” is almost always appropriate, and so is, “Oh yes, tell me more!” And don’t forget, often you don’t have to say anything at all. Heavy breathing, soft moans and sighs of pleasure go a long way all on their own. Still feeling shy? Well, it can take practice to be comfortable saying those oh-so-naughty things. But the only way to learn is just to do it. You might not get above a whisper the first time, but trust me, even if you stammer and blush your way through the conversation, your guy will love it.

Remember, aural sex isn't all talk and no action. Up the erotic ante by simultaneously masturbating. Explain to each other exactly what you're doing ("I'm tracing circles on my inner thigh") and how it's feeling ("I'm getting so wet"). He'll go nuts. Giving good phone is a lot easier -- and more fun -- if you get into a lusty mood before you dial his digits. Lie back and envision a supercharged bedroom scenario with your guy. Start stroking yourself, and when your pulse is pounding, give him a call. Since this is your first time starting sexy phone speak, you might be a little tongue-tied. But don't feel forced to say something XXX-rated. Just chat with him as you normally would and ease into a more intimate exchange by saying something as simple as "I wish you were lying next to me." Or lift his libido by reminding him of an incredibly hot sack session you had together. You're guaranteed to get a rise out of him. If you aren't comfortable initiating a kinky conversation, suggest your boyfriend take the lead. Close your eyes and concentrate on every wanton word. As you touch yourself, fantasize that you're feeling his tantalizing fingers caressing your skin. If at first you feel shy, just moan or sigh while he narrates a naughty story. As the encounter escalates, you may be very surprised at the frisky phrases that pop out of your mouth.

All the Best :)

If College-Themed Porn Were Real

2008-04-26T02:12:00.005+05:30

Situation One - The Naughty Student Cindi:
An attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.

Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?

Professor: Some students do extra credit work.

Cindi: (has sex with him)

Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?

Professor: Some students do extra credit work.

Cindi: Like what?

Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.

Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.

Situation Two - The Hot Teacher Paul:
A student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.

Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?

Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.

Paul: How?

Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)

Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?

Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.

Paul: How?

Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.

Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?

Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)

Situation Three - The Sorority:
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.

Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!

Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!

Sorority Girls: (do those things)

Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.

Situation Four - The Curious Freshman:
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.

Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.

Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.

Candi: No.

Situation Five - The Janitor:
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.

Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?

Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)

Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your situation in life.

Why every 'Man' should lift Weights?

2008-04-26T01:55:00.004+05:30

Weight lifting has definitely changed my life. Ask any person who has taken up weight lifting and you will get the same response. I guarantee it.
So why should every man lift weights?

Testosterone.

Testosterone. Yes, that one hormone that literally defines our masculinity.

Biologically speaking, the root definition of being a man is simply having lots of testosterone. All human fetuses are set by default to develop into a female, but only when they are flooded with testosterone does that fetus become male.

Now, I know that mainstream society has cast a bad light on testosterone.

When we hear the word, we think of crazy, angry, uncontrollable males who go into fits of rage and punch the daylights out of each other while breaking furniture at the local bar. Sadly, the maxim that states that it only takes a few rotten apples to spoil the bunch is true in this case.

The problem with these men is that they have too much the testosterone and can’t control it. It controls them. Then, you got the guys on the other end of the scale, who have very little testosterone. You can tell who these guys are. They are the ones who are not quite male, and not quite female. It seems that all the life has been sucked out of them and they behave like docile cows. They are too afraid of doing anything and live a mediocre life. You definitely don’t want to become like them. Let’s take a look at some of their qualities:

Depression

Irritability

Fatigue

Inability to concentrate

Easily weak and tired

Difficulty coping with stress

Sleep disorder

These are all symptoms of low testosterone.

Do you really think that you can achieve your goals and dreams if you have any of the above symptoms?

I seriously doubt it.

Would you be able to achieve your goals and dreams if you had the exact opposite of the above symptoms? Absolutely.

How can we do so?By increasing testosterone levels.

Testosterone helps you achieve your goals. Period.

How can we increase testosterone levels?

By lifting weights and gradually increasing the resistance on a consistent basis.

The following are the benefits I have reaped from sticking to a consistent program of weight training. I hope it will encourage those who have been sitting on the fence about this or have not considered making it a part of their lifestyle. If you are not currently doing this, you’re missing out on one of the biggest investments of your life. I kid you not.

Enough talk; on with the benefits (in no particular order).

Improved concentration and focus.

When I workout, gone are the days when I would be passive and do a little bit of one thing and then move on to another thing, do a little bit of that, and then listen to some music, maybe surf the net or watch TV, and come back and do a little bit of it more, etc. Instead, I would stay focused on the task at hand and complete it on the spot.

This habit was instilled through my consistent program of weight lifting. When you pick up that weight, you’re focused on completing x number of reps per set. Nothing else matters. Nothing else has your focus. It’s just you and the weight. You lift it once, twice, three times, four times, the muscle is burning, you’re becoming fatigued, five, six, seven, eight, and then you muster everything inside of you to get that last rep, nine, and then you pull even more from within you that you did not think you had possible, ten.

You don’t lift once, twice, stop, get a drink of water, talk with the boys, go to the bathroom, and then do three, four, then change the song on your ipod, five, six, stretch, take a break, seven, eight, make a call, nine, ten.

No. You go through the whole set on the spot till you finish.

You will find this skill to be very useful. A lot of people get distracted when it comes to focusing on a task, but by lifting weights, you learn to cancel out all distractions and focus on you and the weight. That’s it.

If you’ve watched the Legend of Bagger Vance, this same piece of advice is given to Matt Damon to help with his golf game. Just focus on you and the hole. Erase all the other distractions. The noise, the people, the competition. It’s just you and the hole.

Laser-like focus on completing a task from start to finish is one great by-product of lifting weights.

Sleep like a baby

Whenever I lift, I get quality sleep. I don’t have any trouble sleeping at night. Forget about the warm milk, forget about counting sheep jumping over the fence, forget about sleeping pills, just lift. Lifting weights is the cure for all insomnia. And because I sleep like a baby, I….

Wake up early

Whenever I lift, I always wake up early and refreshed. Gone are the days where I would open my eyes, hit the snooze, and sleep one more hour. If you want to wake up early, pick up the weights. It’s that simple.

Getting up early is also a big time benefit. When the world is sleeping, that’s when you can take the most action for your goals. It’s nice and quiet. It’s a perfect time to visualize, to meditate, to count your blessings, etc. You can read that self improvement book, you can brainstorm ideas, and get a TON done if you wake up early. It’s a huge benefit. It’s also a good time to lift as well.

Energy

Weight lifting gives me so much energy. Energy to go the extra mile. Energy to take the weights to the next level. Energy to accomplish my goals. Energy to do anything I wish. You can literally feel the energy coursing through your veins throughout the day. It’s a great feeling. It’s like igniting jet fuel. It’s that good.

Happiness

Whenever I feel the blues coming, there’s nothing like hitting the weights to bring me back up. I can thank my endorphins for that. Whenever I feel down, the very first question I ask myself is if I had lifted recently. The answer is always no. The solution? Lift. Problem solved. Works EVERY time. Guaranteed.

Mental toughness

Mental toughness. If you read Teddy Roosevelt’s autobiography, you will see the direct correlation between mental toughness and physical training. He made it a point to exercise every day. He boxed, climbed mountains, lifted weights, etc., on a consistent basis. I urge you to take a look at all the things that Teddy Roosevelt has accomplished. I guarantee you that his dedication to physical training was a major cause of getting them done. Because of his physical conditioning, he was able to focus, he got things done, he was always happy, he woke up early, and he had a ton of energy. Sound familiar?

Another example of mental toughness in one word: Arnold. Enough said.

Lifting weights and upping the resistance every so often builds your ability to handle bigger things. When you can lift a measly 5 pounds more than the last time, it’s a huge accomplishment. May not seem like a lot, but it is. Every weight lifter knows what I’m talking about.

Lifting strengthens the psychosomatic link between mind and body. When the body is strong, so will the mind be.

Lifting also helps you train your mind to summon all your strength to lift that last rep when you don’t think you can. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been to me when there were times when I didn’t think I could accomplish my goals, even though I was so close to doing it. Lifting has conditioned me to dig deep and go that extra inch, and you will find that in life, it makes all the difference.

Great habit

When you start lifting weights and begin to see all the positive benefits, there’s no going back. The benefits will drive you to keep on doing it, which continues the cycle, which then inevitably installs a great habit. You’ll feel more happy, energetic, focused, tough, accomplished and you won’t want to let go of the cause.

Males today, sit in cubicles all day and then go home and sit in front of the TV or computer. If they are hungry, they get in a car, sit again in a seat, go to Subway to get a double western bacon cheeseburger combo, supersized, with a strawberry cheesecake. Then, they come back home and sit down again. Or even worse, they don’t even get up all. They just call Pizza Hut.

This lifestyle fosters a habitual lack of exercise, which in turn contributes to low testosterone and low quality of life.

Build the testosterone by consistently lifting weights and upping the resistance till you become like a bull and charge your way through life knocking down every obstacle and wall on the path toward your dreams.

You won’t regret it. I guarantee it.

What’s So Wrong About Porn?

2008-04-26T01:34:00.005+05:30

I will state this right from the start: I am a fan of porn.

I like watching it. I don’t think it’s degrading to women or men or animals or inanimate objects. I believe adults have the right to watch it or not, and I don’t want anyone telling me that I can’t or shouldn’t or that I’m sick or perverted for liking it or watching it. I don’t mind if my lover watches it; I’ll watch it with him.

I know I’m not alone in this—!—but I am getting the feeling (well, I’m reading lots of comments on blogs) that porn is the root of all that’s wrong in relationships. And they are getting validation from people like Dr. Phil, whose Web site states:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

Clearly something is ridiculous and perverse, but it’s not porn.

A lot of women feel very conflicted about porn, and that conflict manifests itself in some interesting ways:

• Some women think it’s cheating if their husband or boyfriend watches porn.

• Some women are jealous because, thinking they could never have the “perfect” bodies of the porn stars, they feel they are constantly being compared with that perfection.

• Some women believe that they can’t satisfy their partner like a porn star could, or that somehow they are expected to act like a porn star.

• Some women are horrified to suddenly discover porn on their partner’s computer.

• Some women think that it’s disrespectful to them if their partner likes to look at porn.

• Some women think that there’s something wrong with them, and that’s why their partner watches porn.

• Some women know their boyfriends watch porn before they get married, but they marry him anyway and then they wonder—why is he still watching porn?

To all of that I say, porn is not the problem. Just because someone likes looking at naked bodies exchanging bodily fluids does not make him a pervert, disrespectful, an infidel, disinterested in his lover or dissatisfied with his lover. It makes him human. It’s about fantasy, imagination, desire, lust. And what, please tell me, is wrong with that? Most men (women, too) can separate fantasy from reality. Do you think Jenna Jameson is going to fly off the screen and do to him what she’s doing onscreen? Not a chance, and he doesn’t think so, either. And if you believe he thinks so ... either you’re sorely underestimating his intelligence or you need to ask yourself, what in the world is a smart gal like you doing with a fool like him?

And, quite honestly, look at all the nudity in the movies and on cable TV—is Tell Me You Love Me any less pornographic because it has a plot line?

If you truly believe your lover is expecting you to look or act like a porn star, do you ask him if that’s so? And if you don’t think he’ll tell you the truth, or if he tells you the truth but you still don’t believe him, well, what’s that about?

Do you ask him, “Is there anything in that porn that you’d like us to try?”—and would you be willing to do it?

Do you ask him what is it about porn that he likes?

Or do you just tell him to stop?

If you accidentally find porn on his computer, well, were you snooping around in places you shouldn’t? If so, that’s just as dishonest as him hiding it.

When you watch porn (and you should, especially if you have some sort of judgment about it—there’s no other way to understand it), what exactly is it that you object to? Are you projecting your own insecurities or messages of shame from your childhood onto it?

If you truly believe that you can’t compete with a porn star, do you just stop at that or do you ask yourself, what can I do to make sex more exciting for me and my partner; how can I increase my pleasure and his?

If you’re the kind of woman who thinks your partner’s watching porn because there’s something wrong with you, do you also think there’s something wrong with your cooking if he likes to eat out or that there’s something wrong with your DVD/TV set-up if he likes to go to the movies or that there’s something wrong with your driving if he wants to drive? Is it always about you?

If you’re so in love with him that you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life together and you don’t like porn, have you had an honest conversation with him about that? If he says he likes it, would you marry him anyway knowing that this is something you find distasteful and disrespectful?

The problem, of course, isn’t porn itself. If something, anything, is done in secret, in excess, if it’s somehow compromising the relationship, well, then there’s a problem—just as if you were dealing with alcohol or drugs or gambling or even a golf addiction. If anything involves deception and you can’t talk about it openly and honestly and it’s reducing intimacy in the relationship instead of enhancing it (and porn can enhance it), it’s just like any other addiction. (And all addicts have enablers and co-dependents, and if your man is spending hours and hours in front of the computer or TV jacking off to Reign of Tera, you might want to look into whatever role—however small—you might be playing in that).

But you guys don’t get off the hook, because many of you (from what I read and hear) are spending way more time in some sort of fantasyland instead of the real world of flesh and lips and touch and smell. If you’re really giving all that up to watch instead of experience, why aren’t you working on making your real-life sex wonderful and exciting?

So, I will ask the men this, so beautifully put by columnist Mark Morford last year (he was talking about online porn viewing at work, but it’s the same for your porn habits in general):

“...If you have that much to hide, if you are living some sort of secret and embarrassing and family-endangering double life, if you are constantly burying images and hiding data or altering your persona to the point of endangering your work, if you cannot let someone, say, cruise through your personal sex-toy box without massive blushing and fainting and humiliation, perhaps you’re living the wrong kind of life. You think?”

Not that I have any opinion about it or anything...

For Guy Virgins: Basic Things No One Told Me About Sex

2008-03-14T01:45:00.006+05:30

I lost my virginity later than the average guy. Before I got laid for the first time I had read a fair amount about sex. I took Sex Education classes in school. I read articles on positions and techniques in Maxim and Cosmo. I read sites like www.sexuality.org. I read the 'savage love' column every week. I also looked at tons of porn on the internet and through my computer's handy DVDROM. All in all, I thought even though I had never done it myself, I knew most of what there was to know about sex.

Then I started having it and I kept discovering all these basic things that had somehow passed me by. In all the stuff I read and watched these things never came up. I never heard anyone talking about them either. I guess they assumed that the audience was already having sex and that knowing these things was a given. And it seems that porn glosses some things over or does not reflect what actual sex is like. I know, I'm as shocked as you are. So here's my list of basic sexual stuff that I only found out about when I came across it myself.

Hopefully reading this will make life easier for the virgins out there in some way, you know, by lessening that fear of the unknown or whatever. I think the most common theme below is that sex is not as glamorous as it's sometimes made out to be. However, 'not glamorous' isn't the same as 'not enjoyable'. Sex is awesome. If anything, all the little quirks I'll mention below make it more fun.

Positions
From reading and watching porn I thought positions like missionary, doggy style, woman-on-top, etc. were simple, cut-and-dry things. I soon found out that each one has tons of subtle variations based on things like how you position your legs, the position of her legs, how deep inside her you are in a resting position, the angle you're thrusting in, the position of your upper body, how high or low your hips are on her body, how your bodies fit together, and so on and so on.

With some variations her vagina will seem like a straight tunnel that you can easily go in-and-out, in-and-out of. With other variations you're mostly inside her, can only thrust a little, and you're more grinding pelvises together.

For example, if you're in the missionary position:

If you put your legs together and straight back, you'll get a different feeling then if you had them spread out to your sides and had your knees further up on the bed.
If she spreads her legs you'll be able to thrust in one way. If she lifts them up and wraps them behind your back, you'll be able to thrust deeper.
If you rest on your elbows you'll enter her at one angle and be able to thrust in a certain way. If you straighten your arms and rest on your hands you'll thrust at a different angle.
If the top of your hip bone roughly matches up with hers you'll get a certain angle and depth. If you try to 'ride higher' you'll get a different angle and depth.
If your upper body is parallel to hers things'll go one way. If you raise your torso up to around 45 degrees things'll be slightly different.
What works one way with a petite girl may not feel the same with a girl who's closer to your height. The idea is you have to play around with these variations in position to find a way that feels good for both of you (or just you if you're selfish).

Vaginal Lubrication
You probably know that the vagina secretes a natural lubricant and that women get 'wet'. I knew that basic fact too, but I learned some more things about the process firsthand.

It runs out at some point and she'll get dry, and eventually uncomfortable, during sex. Sometimes you have to pull out and apply some lube. At other times you can keep going for a bit and she'll get wet again.
If the girl gets too wet during sex it can reduce the friction to the point where you don't really feel anything. If she's too dry it doesn't feel that great for you either.
If enough of it accumulates it has a whitish, mayonnaise look to it. Sometimes you'll finish having sex and when you pull out and look down you'll see a big drop of it running down between her legs.
If you're going at in the missionary position, it may run out on to the bed and leave a wet spot on the sheets that's a bit white when it dries.

Erections
If you watch porn you may wonder why the guy's erection is sometimes slow to grow. You're thinking that if you were in his shoes you'd be as hard as a rock in a second.

Nope, the same thing will happen to you. Once the intial thrill of hooking up with this girl/girls in general wears off, your erection will often start to get soft when your penis isn't being directly stimulated.
Being drunk, being distracted, and bad technique on the girl's part can contribute to your not getting it up quickly.
After putting on a condom you may need to jerk yourself off for a second to get it a bit harder before you stick it in her.
If it's not hard enough you'll have a hard time putting it in. It'll tend to bend or slide out of the way instead of penetrating. However, if it's slightly soft and you manage to get in it, you can often get it harder quickly once you start thrusting.
If the sex isn't great and/or you're distracted and/or something messed up happens you may start to go soft once you're inside her.

Sticking It In
You've probably heard jokes about this before. Yep, it can be hard to find the hole. Even if you know where you need to go visually, the vaginal entrance can be smaller and tighter than you think so you may not feel exactly where you need to insert the tip of your penis.

With missionary it's fairly obvious where you need to put it, but if you're trying to guide it in blind then it can be awkward.
With doggy style the hole is further up then you'd think.
When the girl is on top the angle of her vaginal tunnel can give you problems and you can't really see what you're doing. It's best if she guides it in herself.
Like I said above, if you're a bit soft then you can have trouble putting it in.
If you fail to get it in properly your dick will slide somewhere else and may feel like it's in for a second or two.
All this is more difficult if you have a condom on, as it's harder to feel what you're doing.

Climaxing
You may also watch porn and wonder why the guy sometimes has to jerk off for a few minutes before delivering the money shot. You're thinking if you were in that position you'd pop off no problem.

Again, the same thing may happen to you. Sometimes you'll be having sex/getting a blowjob/jerking off and you won't be able to cum. If the stimulation isn't effective it can happen. If you put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm on demand it can happen.
The more common stereotype is that men finish too quickly and that they have to think about stuff like baseball in order to last any real length of time. But not being able to cum happens too. Not all guys are losers who are done in thirty seconds. Finishing too soon definitely happens, but not every single time.
In many cases you're not just going to cum instantly as soon as you start pounding away, you have to find the speed, angle, depth, etc. that feels good for you. It's not automatic, just like you can't just masturbate in any random way. You have to do what's effective for you.
On a related note, women don't always want to have marathon sex sessions. Sometimes they'll get tired of the guy stabbing away endlessly, especially if it's not doing anything for them. Sometimes they'll start to get dry and sore. Sometimes they'll have an orgasm or two and think that's enough. Sometimes they'll just be happy with a good twenty minutes of fun sex and not have any need to go for longer.

Minor Injuries

It can be irritating to your skin when your sweaty pubic hair rubs against hers.
Someone's hair my get accidentally pulled or caught.
Someone may clumsily fall over as you're changing positions (e.g., when she's getting off you from being on top, when you try to transition from missionary with you kneeling and her laying down to missionary with both of you laying down).
You may hit your head against the headboard, har har har.
When you're going at it missionary style you can end up hitting the bottom of your bladder on her pelvic bone. That gets old after ten minutes...
Your knees and elbows can get sore after a while from rubbing on the bed/floor/etc.
During doggy style if you slip out and then accidently thrust back into her pelvis. This can hurt the tip of your dick.
If she's riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.
You may get scratches, bruises, pulled hair (purposely this time), and bite marks. That's cool.
You may fall off the bed or hit your elbow against the wall or something else like that. You just gotta laugh when this shit happen.

Condoms
First let me say that you should always wear these things despite what I say below. You know what can happen if you don't. You may have heard guys complain about condoms, saying they kill the mood or whatever. It's true, they are kind of annoying.

They kill spontaneity. You can't smoothly progress from foreplay to sex. You have to stop the action to go grab a condom, open it, and then put it on.
They smell bad.
They kill sensation, sometimes to the point where you can barely feel your own dick inside the girl. On the plus side, they can allow you to last longer.
Sometimes when you're inside the girl they'll bunch up in weird ways and feel strange.
They interrupt the flow of things after sex is over. You have to pull out, take the condom off, and get rid of it.

Messiness
You probably know this already, but overall sex is messier than what you see on t.v. or in porn.

You're going to get hot and sweaty of course.
The woman's lubrication is going to dribble all over the place and possibly stain the sheets. Someone is going to get semen on them at some point. Condom wrappers are going to litter the ground. You may kiss passionately and slobber all over each other.
Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.
Sometimes when you pull out and she changes positions she'll fart out her vagina (queefing).
If you finger her your fingers may be covered with a lot of her clear lubricant when you pull them out.
You may have to wipe them off on your leg or something. Classy.
If you have sex when she's on her period, well use your imagination.
If you have anal sex you may get some poo on your dick.
If you have a good session, when you're done you're going to be sweaty, red faced, tired, and a bit out of it. Your hair will be messed up, gross stray hairs will be stuck to your skin, the girl will have a bit of white lubricant running out of her cootch. You'll have a bit of cum dribbling out of your dick. There will be at least one condom wrapper on the floor, the sheets and pillows will be all over the place, and the bed will have a wet spot on it. If you cuddle afterwards you'll start to stick together and it'll feel gross when you pull apart. It's great.

General differences from Masturbation and Porn
If I had to give a simplified summary I'd say masturbating is all about the visuals while actual sex is more about physical feelings. Of course masturbation is about the physical feelings too, but if you're anything like me, the visuals drive the experience and provide most of the excitement. When you're using your imagination you keep flipping between different scenarios until you hit on one that does it for you. When you watch porn you probably skip around between different DVD scenes or online clips until you hit on one that turns you on the most.

With sex some positions give you something to look at, but you're hardly sitting in a chair watching a scene that has been shot from a distance and angle that gives you a good view. If you're doing a girl in the missionary position you're too close to her to see anything. Your eyes are probably closed, or if they're open they may not be focused on anything. You're probably kissing her or you may have your head nuzzled in her neck. Cut off from the visuals you instead concentrate on the tactile sensations; your dick going in and out of her vagina, your bodies pressed together, her hands scratching your back, her breath on your cheek, how hot you are, the sweat forming on the small of your back, your hands grabbing her boobs, kissing, and various little aches, tired spots, and discomforts. And then there are the sounds and smells; body parts slapping together, her breathing and moaning. The smell of latex, sweat, someone's breath, or her vag.

Of course, sometimes when you're going at it you'll be picturing things in your head to help yourself get off. Like maybe your girlfriend is going down on you and that feels pretty nice, but not quite perfect, so you imagine a porn scene or hot girl you saw the other day to get yourself over the edge.
Also, when you watch porn you can mistakingly associate the visual act you're witnessing with the sensations you're giving yourself. For example, say you have a thing for titty fucking scenes in porn. And let's say as you're watching, you're masturbating in a fast, intense manner. You know your body so of course it's going to feel good. But actual titty fucking probably doesn't feel like your fast, intense, just-right wanking. The true physical sensations may or may not be your cup of tea. You may find them too slow or soft for your tastes and be disappointed in the real thing. Here's another example: Maybe when you watch porn you really like the reverse cowgirl position (girl on top facing away from the guy). As a third party observer this position gives you something to look at. But when you're actually the guy all you see is the girl's back and, again, the sensations of her riding you aren't the same as the just-right wanking feelings you gave yourself when you were watching two other people doing it.

Some more observations about how Real Sex differs from Porn and the Movies

Obviously in real life it's a lot more sweaty, clumsy, grunty, and primal than dramatic Hollywood love scenes make it out to be.
In porn the positions are all about making the sex visable to the camera and to give you a good look at the woman's body. In real life concerns such as being close to each other often take precedence.
Personally I've never had sex under the sheets. They just get in the way.
Personally I think having sex with all your clothes on kind of sucks (it's a bit awkward and skin on skin contact feels so much better), but you see it all the time in movies and t.v. shows (e.g., The Sopranos). Of course they've got other, more practical, reasons for portraying it like this.
What amuses me in movies now is what you could call the 'instant penetration.' You see it all the time if you look for it. A man and woman will be in their underwear, or even fully clothed, in some sexually charged situation. Maybe the woman is sitting on the man's lap (both in their underwear remember), or the man is standing behind the woman. The camera is focused on their faces. Then the guy will make a little movement, the woman will gasp, and then they'll close their eyes and start moaning, the implication being that the man achieved vaginal penetration off-camera. Yeah, not that quick and easy in real life. You've got to move your clothes out of the way, line things up, the guy has to be hard enough, the woman needs to be pretty wet, and often the man has to guide his penis in with his hand. Otherwise it's a much more awkward procedure.

The Wash Cloth

2008-03-14T01:23:00.001+05:30

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist late in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about thirty-five minutes, so I didn’t have an time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, grabbed some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”